Starting to write

Ok so I'm going to start writing stuff..Which is not necassarily gaurenteed to be "good" stuff..(whatever that is, thanks negative self talk!) .. But I need to start somewhere in my "no longer being small, guilty and silent" protest!


It would be easy not to write anything and just stay hiding behind other people's wonderfullness.. But I'll give this little voice a voice and see what she has to say. People have always told me to write a book.. But I don't know if I'm a "writer..." but what I can do is tell you a series of "stories". So maybe I can be a story teller :-)
 

I have just come out of a hard, dark place this winter.. I have chucked a lot of shit, changed alot of connections in my life, cried alot.. And refocused my energy, which has felt both deeply painful and deeply freeing. I guess this new me (who is a bit sick of bullshit - my own old bullshit mainly) is what has emerged. So will see what she comes up with to share with you.
Posting a photo feels important.. as well as self indulgent.. But why is that? Because I shouldn't exist? Because someone, somewhere has said that it's bad? (or because my hairs messy!) .. Oh well...


Sometimes I look at myself and have no idea who this new person is. I've been a mum and carer since I was 15 years old. I wouldn't know who I am outside of taking care of people. People I absolutly love dearly! But somewhere in there I became invisible. So photos feel visible! So this is visible me :-)

So hi friends .. My names Michelle. I'm 38 and a solo parent of 4 fabulous, creative, smart teenage/adult kids. I have a job I absolutly love teaching Community Services at TAFE.. And there's some stories I'd like to share with you if you want to grab a tea and join me! I'll be back!


PS This feels super hard to press post on.. But really what's to lose.. Fear is going to stop us from doing anything new, fun, adventurous!

"Finding your passion isn't just about careers and money. It's about finding your authentic self. The one you've buried beneath other people's needs." Kristin Hannah

Survivers guilt

Ok so I'd like to share with you a little bit about what survivers guilt can do to you. It can kill you. Slowly slowly over the last 10 years it has eaten me up to the point where I have felt I can barely speak anymore. It tells me I have no right to live my life, no right to talk about my future, no right to have needs or hopes, and certainly no right to ever talk about having this guilt tripping... visitor. It continually informs me that my job is to care for everyone else, be silent and whatever I do don't ever have fun because people will be watching and they will be angry at me. Well fuck that. Living with Huntingtons Disease is freaking hard enough...it cannot invite its best mate survivers guilt to this party. I didn't get the gene.. I won't get HD.. Yes I will hopefully get to grow old...Which is a privalige denied to so many people I love. But I will not let that kill me. I will use every little second of it. There are little visitors to our lives who need a freakin pretty firm boundary.. And guilt is one of them. And right now it's telling me I'm selfish for even writing about it. But fuck that too 😉

"I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees.' Emiliano Zapata

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you...
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver