When Christmas feels clunky…Doing adventures instead.

So to give you some back ground to my clunky relationship with Christmas, I grew up as a Jehovah witness.. yes feel free to run away now! BUT I’m not a Jehovah Witness, it was just another one of my mum and dads strange dreams. To raise 4 kids in the middle of nowhere in a shed…which eventually turned into a house…  with no water, electricity or a “normal” toilet... to have very minimal money … and be Jehovah Witnesses! 

So what this then looks like for kids is no Easter, Christmas, birthdays and pretty much not being involved in any of those big celebrations kids enjoy in our culture! In my childhood I never went to a birthday party, I never received a Christmas present, and I can remember on Easter when I was about 10 years old my teacher crushing up Easter eggs so I could be a part of a class activity of making an Easter basket. However mine was not an Easter basket. It was a non- Easter basket with crushed chocolate in it. Yes a very creative way to make sure I appeared to be the same as everyone else (insert eye roll!)

The most challenging time as a kid though was when everyone would all come back from holidays after the Christmas break and share what they had got from Santa. I had no idea who Santa was.. but he gave great presents! People would share amazing stories of toys, gadgets, swimming pools, etc etc etc. I would dread people asking me what I got for Christmas. I would respond with something like “Oh I got money” As my grandmother always gave me money. So thank goodness I had that. I learnt very quickly the art of being an outcast but finding ways to look like I was fitting in! 

As I took my stand against the religion when I was about 14 and refused to go to meetings 3 times a week, I still didn’t participate in Christmas events, as I really had no idea how to. But when I had my first baby at 16 I was determined to give him the best Christmas ever. I went overboard buying stuff, trees, food… even though I really had no idea what it was always about. I often have to ask... what are we celebrating? Did Jesus die or was he born?

As the years went by and I had 4 kids, Christmas always felt somewhat conflicting. I suck at craft, I’ve never made a ginger bread house in my life, I feel like the environment is dying in stuff… but everyone continues to buy endless stuff...I find it confusing. However I found my groove and got into the swing of it to ensure my kids fitted in. It was probably a very tame version, but it was a version of trees, presents, Christmas morning excitement and running to 3 extended family homes in one day. However I've never really felt very connected to its meaning. I feel more like an odd bystander watching and trying to get it. I've never been able to receive a gift without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. For many years I would return the presents my husband brought me. Which in reflection may have contributed to us getting divorced!

Christmas changed again when I got divorced. It turned into one of the most horrendous days of the year as it just brought up grief, loss, pain, anxiety and arguments about who was having the kids. So I ditched it. I decided I wouldn't “do” Christmas anymore, no more running to peoples houses and no more presents or trees. I had to recreate this day to fit for my kids so it wasn't a day a pain. So for the last 7 years we have transported our way to Woodford Folk Festival. That is their Christmas present. We "do" adventure. 

Travelling a long distance on Christmas days felt like a great way to avoid the clunk and the pain of not having the 2 parent family structure anymore. It felt like a great way to “give” something to my kids that was a memory rather than an item. Woodford helps me hold space for any loss and grief that might show up during this holiday period. In doing this I don't have to pretend. I get to create our version of it. Because in reality Christmas at our house now is just one big clunk.

Sometimes I have my kids, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I have 1 kid. Sometimes I have 3 or 4. It changes as to who wants to be where. So I’ve let go of the idea of what the "proper" Christmas day looks like (as that's just painful and disappointing...and I suck at it anyway!) and I've even given up the idea that we all need to be together. 

As a single mum I've had to let go of working my butt off to try create the energy and enthusiasm of two parents, smiling and pretending everything is fabulous just like the movies. Because its not like that at all...and that is just exhausting.  In reality those first Christmas's after getting divorced were just plain awful, lonely and hard. So there was only so much of that I could handle. I had to create something new (so yes I went for setting up tents with kids in extreme heat conditions and volunteering so we could afford to go.. simple.. not! But a different kind of hard :-))  

So whatever your day looks like.. and whoever may be present or not present… I wish you an adventure…and I hope you and your family find your unique funk (or clunk) on this colorful day. And create whatever version of Christmas that works for you ❤