When I think about talking about grief.. A little voice in me says "don't talk about grief people will hate that! Talk about sex or something fun instead!"
But sorry folks grief wins today ... but don't worry we can get back to taking about sex another day😉
But sorry folks grief wins today ... but don't worry we can get back to taking about sex another day😉
This piece of artwork by Celeste Roberge always stricks me as what grief can feel like in my body. It can be super hard living a joyful, free, vibrant life if my body is filled to the top with rocks of grief. It's heavy energy can weave its way into my heart making even the simplest of tasks feel like wading through a thick mud pool, which is not easy! (or very sexy!).
One thing I know for certain about grief though, after living with Huntingtons Disease and going through a divorce, is that it always moves. If I let it come in and stay for a little while, it will eventually move out (and probably go visit someone else!) If I fight it and try get rid of it.. It will fight harder to sit me down on my butt, to listen and demand to stay longer.
Talking about grief in our "happy" culture can be hard. Worry sometimes tells me that grief is going to make me very hard to be around, as it's going to be draining for other people. Which can make me pretty careful who I let into my world when grief is visiting. I probably tend to spend a lot of time alone, as it doesn't need to be told to get up or to think a certain way. It just needs to be held.. just for a little while. And whilst worry is telling me that people don't like grief. .. fear tells me I'm going to get stuck in it and never find my way out! Wow thanks team!
My relationship history with grief however tells me that none of that is true. I can actually create a safe community of grief angels who are willing to sit and talk about the hard stuff .. and then there are counsellors...I can actually pay someone to listen to me! In this environment grief always moves out and joy will always find its way back in. I will never get stuck.
How long I let grief stay for in my body, can be tricky to work out. Perhaps its just like trying to work out how long we let any visitor stay for before we suggest they move on! I know some days I just need to sit with it for a while and connect. But other days I need to push myself out of that mud and onto lighter ground. And I need to fight hard for life.
My relationship history with grief however tells me that none of that is true. I can actually create a safe community of grief angels who are willing to sit and talk about the hard stuff .. and then there are counsellors...I can actually pay someone to listen to me! In this environment grief always moves out and joy will always find its way back in. I will never get stuck.
How long I let grief stay for in my body, can be tricky to work out. Perhaps its just like trying to work out how long we let any visitor stay for before we suggest they move on! I know some days I just need to sit with it for a while and connect. But other days I need to push myself out of that mud and onto lighter ground. And I need to fight hard for life.
I recently took down all the photos of my many relatives who have passed away. I used to have a little memory cabinet for their funeral notices. I put them away lovingly into a draw, to clear that energy. It's not that I don't love them and they are not in my heart, because they always will be. It just didn't feel helpful anymore to lay on my lounge looking at them reflecting on all these beautiful, important, influential people from my childhood who have died. I needed to turn my energy towards living my life.
The very hard and complex thing about doing that, when living with Huntingtons Disease, is it feels like HD splashes grief everywhere. It can feel painted in my past, present and future. HD can create a picture of my future in my mind that looks incredibly daunting. Sometimes it can be hard to find a non-grief filled space!
Anticipatory grief about what lay ahead, can invite huge waves of grief to visit and use up huge amounts of energy.When I know some of what my families future may look like, with my 3 bothers being gene positive, grief can take a huge grip and tell me all the things I'm going to lose before I've even lost them. It can tell me I'm going to lose my entire family, everyone is going to die and I'm going to be alone. They are terrifying thoughts that I often just need to stop. It's a dark and gloomy road to get on and its not helpful for anyone. And yes reality is we are ALL going to die!
I was talking to my 17 year old son the other day about my survivors guilt post and grief. I am always incredibly struck by how wise kids and young people are... I was telling him how scary the future can look for my family... and he said.. "mum, is it guilt and grief.. Or is it love?"
Gosh.. so true and so smart. It is all love. No one who loves escapes grief. Which is every single one of us.
"Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price" Glennon Doyle
So when the future drags me into dark and gloomy places, all I ever really have the power to do is come back to love.. and focus on this moment. Right in this moment I am writing this blog. Right in this moment the garbage is getting picked up. Right in this moment the birds are chirping. And right in this moment I am ok.
That's all any of us ever really have...love and this moment. Grief may be a part of the "moment" at times.. And at other times it will move on. What seems to help my grief move on, is when I can wade through the depths of the mud and find one small positive love action step I can take. Grief doesn't seem to be able to thrive so strongly in that heart space.
"some days are tidal waves with nothing more than a scrap to cling to, other days the calm seas allow you to gently tread water" https://www.littlethings.com/grieving-advice-old-man/
PS And I promise you one day we will totally talk about sex 😉
